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Back in the day, if they didn't like you, or if you were accused of a terrible crime - or really any crime - or had a funny face or a loud mouth or were just kind of a jerk, you could suffer some terrible consequences. You think being imprisoned or executed via lethal injection is bad? I think the victims of any of the following would gladly trade places with today's convicts.
The Rack
The rack was not a well endowed woman or a way to serve lamb. It was a device that turned you into a screaming human Stretch Armstrong, and one of the most hated torture devices of medieval times.
The Wheel
If the authorities really didn't like you, they'd tie you to a wagon wheel and break your bones one at a time while all your neighbors watched and cheered.
Dunking
Imagine being tied to a seesaw and dropped into a frozen lake until you learned your lesson. Imagine not learning your lesson and drowning. If you were a barmaid that served watered down beer, you got a ride in the dunking chair.
Branks
The old world really wasn't so keen on women's rights. Just plain mouthy? That mask has a metal tongue depressor in it, and would have had a leash to lead that lady around by.
Thumb Screws
Thumb screws were clamps that screwed down on your thumbs bit by bit until you admitted to whatever terrible crime you were accused of. Don't think it would hurt? Squeeze your thumb hard, right now. Then don't stop.
Pillory
Just another form of public humiliation, only this time your friends and enemies were your torturers. They could do whatever they liked to you, and this was a time when public executions were considered entertainment.
Drawing And Quartering
OK, look - this is just horrible. If you can't see what's going on up there, that's four horses tearing a man into four parts.
Oubliette
And throw away the key.
Pretty simple. They'd toss you in a hole and the key into another hole. You were lucky to get meals.
Small Cell
An ingenious sort of torture: The prisoner was put in a cell too small to stretch out, lay down, stand, or sit in. You would be permanently hunched over and struggling for breath.
Ordeal By Fire
Ordeals were lose / lose games. If you survived being burned you were definitely a witch. If you didn't you were innocent... and crispy.
Ordeal By Water
Same as with fire, but this time if you floated: Witch. If you drowned, innocent! Yaaaay....
Ordeal By Combat
Let the better man win, as they say. God determined the victor.
The Brazen Bull
What if I just say moo?
Think you're good at impressions? How about a cow impression? Well you would be great at it if you had your tongue cut off and were stuffed inside this hollow, copper bull, and then slow-roasted. Mmm. Horror.
Skevington's Gyves
Some guy wanted this named after him.
Skevington was a guy, and the gyves were this thing that squeezed a guy until he burst like a toothpaste tube.
Iron Maiden
This, but ALL OVER
Imagine a coffin with spikes facing inward. Now imagine it closing over you.
The Pear Of Anguish
The pear of anguish was a metal ball that would open as you twisted it. It would open into a spikey, slicey horror... inside you.
The Iron Horse
Straddle this bad boy with weights around your ankles. Equally fun for boys and girls!
Good Old-Fashioned Hangin'
The big difference between the noose of today and the noose of yesteryear is that today it's almost a science. Back in olden times, however, it was very likely your neck wouldn't break and you'd struggle for breath for ten minutes. Or the rope was too long and your head would just pop right off!
Branding
Like cattle. Branding is leaving your mark on a person with a hot iron. A moment of pain, a lifetime of humiliation.
Banishment
Like this, but forever
The worst punishment of all involved no striking or breaking or stretching or burning... it was simply to be denied fire and shelter and food, and for all who met you to consider you an enemy. You were no longer part of society.
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